The first part of my story...

Here I go!

I am on the journey. I've decided to jump in with both feet. This has taken a bit of planning, researching, watching videos, asking questions, making decisions and doing my homework. But, here I am...doing food therapy on myself - through mostly vegan and raw creations.

Why am I deciding to do this? Well, 2012 was the biggest year of my life. I titled it early on as “my year.” This going to be MY YEAR, I said. And that is what it was. I stepped into the reality of myself and all that comes along with it…

Early in the year, I received a promotion while working in Beijing and was in a new relationship (long distance) with someone who I cared very deeply about for years, but never had the courage to tell him. Last Christmas, we connected up after years of not seeing each other and realized we were very attracted to one another. He saw how much living abroad had grown me into a strong and passionate woman, and encouraged me to follow my dreams and was willing to wait until I was ready to come home. We talked day and night, every spare moment we had...two friends, quickly become something much deeper. I never knew I could be loved like that or needed to be loved like that. We soon made plans for him to come and see me in China. I could also start to see my life unfold, the more we spoke and shared our dreams for the future.

I then received a second promotion and was asked to move to Shanghai. 2012 was really a big year. It was a huge leap of faith, but I knew this is where God wanted me. Approaching my 30th birthday towards the later part of 2012, this man in my life decided he wasn't ready to take this relationship further...I was completely shattered. A man I had grown to love, didn't want to make the trip to see a place that was so close to my heart. Over the years of living away, he was always the one I wanted to share my stories with.

The months leading up to Christmas, not being able to see him, being in a new city in China, not having my support system around me, my job leaving me feeling ragged…I could feel myself slipping into a silent depression.

All of the things I used to love – taking photos, traveling, writing and researching for my masters degree, going for coffee with friends, cooking, reading – all of a sudden became overshadowed by a big shadow over my head that I just couldn't shake.

I started seeing a counselor to help me deal with increasingly bad thoughts I was having, and for the first time in my life I knew that I might need to actually go on something to help my mood.

Christmas time at home in Canada was a time of tears. A lot of tears. Giving myself permission to be broken. Time to be broken. Space to be broken. I don’t know what I would have done if my parents hadn't been there. I was not myself, and yet, I fully was at the same time. I didn't even feel like I was worthy of combing my hair in the morning.

After a lot of late night conversations with my mom and dad, hot baths and glasses of wine, painful conversations, healing conversations with friends, nights of absolute personal turmoil…I cried out to God, “Am I ever going to be happy again? Will I ever feel like me?”

The next day, my dad and I watched a documentary on the vegan lifestyle and healthy eating. I realized…a lot of my mood is influenced by the decisions I make with regards to eating.

Since I’ve gotten back to Shanghai, I’ve decided – that’s it! I can’t take it anymore. I need to take care of myself. For real this time. I planned out my first vegan/raw food menu and managed to successfully execute the meal for 1 week.

Changes I’ve noticed so far:

-I’m not dreading the mornings as much anymore

-I feel happier, not over the moon happy, but there is noticeable mood difference

-I look forward to cooking, being in the kitchen, working with my hands and seeing lots of colourful, natural ingredients

-I feel well fed. Nutritional and physically well fed.

-I have more energy at work, not feeling like I want to take a nap after lunch.

-I went to the fruit stand last night near my house and I could feel myself saying, “I want to devour everything!” It’s almost like my body was telling me it wanted more of what it was getting

I really don’t know how long I’m going to do this whole food experiment, but all I know its for the first time in months…I’m starting to feel better about myself. Almost as if a healing process is starting to take place…one meal at a time.

One worry I have is that I might get lazy and give this up in a few weeks time. I have no idea. What do they say about doing something for 21 days and it becomes habit? I hope that happens to me.

Below are a few of the meals I done so far. I'll be posting more as the weeks progress, I am ALWAYS looking for ideas, so feel free to post recipe ideas!

Baked Avocado Salsa

Vegan Falafel Balls

Raw Zucchini Pesto Pasta

Sushi - pumpkin seeds, celery, lemon juice...

Chocolate Banana Avocado Pudding